Sonder Living

Pat and I usually plan an “End of Year” trip around New Year’s—just to get away. Because if you live in Albuquerque, you know it can get a little… questionable that time of year.

This time, we planned a trip to L.A. to see my dad’s side of the family, visit Disneyland and Magic Mountain, and just relax. Pat booked us a hotel right off Newport Beach—where you can literally hear the waves crash right outside your window. The place was called Sonder, it was perfect for what we had planned that week.

But it got me thinking… what is “sonder,” anyway?

“Sonder” is a word coined by John Koenig in The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. It describes the sudden, profound realization that every single person around you has a life as vivid, complicated, and rich as your own. Each stranger you pass is the main character of their story—with their own drama, heartbreak, joy, and mess.

Let’s sit with that.

What a beautiful way to romanticize your own life while acknowledging that other people are living entire stories, too. You know that saying, “You don’t know what someone’s going through until you walk a mile in their shoes”? It’s giving that.

Ever since I learned the word, I’ve been obsessed. I tell everyone - I got my work bestie hooked! It’s poetic. It’s empathetic. It’s deep. She’s giving: I’m the main character in my story, and it’s okay if I’m not the lead in yours.

Ugh, girl—I could write a whole dissertation on this one word! POWERFUL.

It also hit me deeply in therapy. (Because yes, I’m in therapy—have been since I was 15.) Two years ago, I started back up again, this time going back with DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I deal with OCD, perfectionism, anxiety, people-pleasing, and—shoutout to my fellow eldest daughters—eldest daughter syndrome.

So when I heard the word sonder, it echoed everything I’ve been working through: letting go, setting boundaries, and not defining my worth by how much I give.

It is 100% okay to be the main character in your life.

Like… who else are we supposed to live for if not ourselves first?

You can have a beautiful community, deep relationships, and a full life—but if you’re constantly pouring into others and leaving nothing for yourself, you end up burned out, heartbroken, and disconnected from who you are. As an advocate, a ride-or-die friend, and someone who shows up for everyone—I’ve had to learn (and keep relearning) how to focus on me.

That’s literally why I started this blog.

Sonder living. I love the way that sounds. It makes me think of snowflakes (not the political kind). Each one is totally unique, shaped by different experiences—but still a snowflake. Still part of something.

That’s how I want to live. Through sonder.

Acknowledging that my life, my choices, and my healing are mine—but so is yours. And both matter.

So be gentle with yourself. Be kind to others.

And don’t forget: someone’s main character moment is happening right next to yours.

What do you think of the word sonder?

For her—always,

Karinna